I’m On A Boat

I’m On A Boat

Look at this wonderful thing.

Cigarette what?

This is the Cigarette Racing 42X Ducati Edition and it’s all kinds of horny. For a start, it’s more priapic than an E-type Jag and there isn’t an under-endowed man on the planet who wouldn’t want this sort of over-compensation. It has two 1,100hp Mercury Racing engines and even someone with my poor ability to do sums knows that’s 2,200hp or what is known in the business as ‘a shedload.’ It’s 42 feet long, 8 feet wide and they say it will do 120mph. That’s 120mph on bumpy, wavy, wet and horrible open water. Of course, it’s being launched at the Miami Boat Show so if Crockett and Tubbs can still walk they’ll love it.

The best thing of all about this boat isn’t the power or the speed or the boyishly impressive dimensions or even the big red stripes; it’s the name. Cigarette Racing. I used to do that when I was a student. Can you smoke 10 cigarettes faster than the man – and it really has to be a man, no woman is stupid enough to do this – sitting opposite you? It turns out that I couldn’t but maybe I didn’t want the win badly enough. Imagine my surprise when I found out that in 2011 you can still buy from a company with the gloriously unPC name of Cigarette Racing. They’ve been around since 1969 building insanely quick powerboats for the insane people who go powerboat racing. Apparently, “A Cigarette is not just a powerboat, it’s a lifestyle.”

I gave up smoking last year in favour of not dying of emphysema. I’m beginning to wish I hadn’t.

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